Every Taken In Hand relationship is different. For reasons designed to that couple, individual or purpose. It has to be. Each of us has unique needs or desires. Those different needs create an entire host of discussions because it's hard to see the history or reasons that go behind them. I am not a submissive woman. Do I have submissive thoughts and desires? Oh yes, but not to everyone, anyone or even generally. It's highly selective and only one man has noticed, nurtured and is given that submission. When he steps out of the room, I am no longer submissive. On the other hand, he does live in my head so it's easy to step into my feelings with or without the physical 'him'. We do many things to nurture my submission. The reasons are often fascinating, but don't apply to another woman because she has her own unique ways or needs. For me, I had been seriously trained to take all burdens and responsibilities. From early childhood, to early marriage and then in my role within my immediate family. If the day goes wrong, it's my fault for not being level enough to program in for error. If the weather is wrong, I should have been farsighted enough to predict. If a mood is sour, I must have created it. It became so intense for me, that I simply took responsibility for everything near me. The reason our local public school didn't meet fund-raising quota was because I didn't volunteer enough. The reason I don't ever serve myself food first is because I don't want to be responsible for someone else not having what wanted. It's nearly manic how far I'll go to protect myself from blame. But look into my history, and you'll see someone being blamed, berated, beaten and silenced for many things that were not my, or anyones fault. So it became clear to my husband that he needed to adjust our Taken In Hand lifestyle and dynamics to help me blossom from my self protective shell. He took all decision away from me. Therefore, I can't ever be wrong. I can make poor choices, but they aren't wrong. Even if they are, he will not assign blame. Not for my submissive needs or reasons, but simply to stop the pattern. But my self blame runs deep and the changes Gary makes are fragile, easily slippped back into in a nanosecond without vigilant watch and validating conversation. It's getting better with years, but it lives deep within.