When you see the green expert checkmark on a wikiHow article, you know that the article has received careful review by a qualified expert. If you are on a medical article, that means that an actual doctor, nurse or other medical professional from our medical review board reviewed and approved it. Similarly, veterinarians review our pet articles, lawyers review our legal articles, and other experts review articles based on their specific areas of expertise. How to Ask for a Trial Separation A trial separation is not something to be taken lightly. However, you may have reached a stage in your marriage where you don't feel like there is an alternative, and you need to bring it up with your partner. While it may not be a huge surprise to your partner, it could still be an emotional shock that should be given proper weight. You don't want to blindside the person out of nowhere. Alerting your spouse that you want to have a discussion can help him or her mentally prepare for what's ahead, even if they're not aware of exactly what you're going to say. Can we sit down and talk about it soon? This conversation isn't one you want to have over email or the phone. This conversation needs to happen in person, when your spouse has the time and emotional space to deal with it. You don't want to be distracted by other things. It might be a good idea to have someone babysit for you if you have kids. While you don't want to put it off, timing is everything. For instance, if your spouse's parent died last week, you may want to wait a little while. Express your hopes and fears. You may want to circle around the topic, but it's best to just get it over with, though you can be gentle about it. In addition, you need to take responsibility for why you want this separation. That is, you need to tell your partner why you feel the need to separate. I'd like to discuss the possibility of a trial separation. Now that you've broached the topic, you need to let your spouse know what you expect to happen from the separation. Though it can hurt, being in the same page is important because it helps to guide your expectations through the separation. However, if things don't change between us, I could see this leading to a more permanent separation. However, I don't think things have been right between us for a while, and I think we need some time apart to figure out how to move forward in our relationship. I really do want to work it out, though, and hopefully get back together after our time apart. This conversation may come as a hard blow, even if your spouse realizes you've been having problems as a couple. Let your spouse have a chance to react, as his or her first reaction is probably going to be emotional. Give your spouse a chance to talk through it before you start trying to evaluate whether it's a good option for your both. Do you think it's a good idea? That is, you both have things you'll need from each other to make your marriage work. If you've done you're homework, you already have some ideas of what you need from your partner, but your partner will also have some for you. Each of you should have 3 to 4 goals for the other person. That is, you can't blame not achieving your goals on the other person not achieving theirs. Decide on ground rules. Once you've had the conversation about the separation, you need to have another about the rules of the separation. You need to decide whether you're going to live apart, how the bills are going to get paid, and who's going to do what with the kids. For instance, if you expect to get back together, you may decide to rule out dating or sex. For instance, if you're talking about who gets to spend what time with the kids, you need to lay out what days and nights of the week the kids will spend with each party. For instance, if your kids are mostly living with one parent or the other, that parent may be granted primary custody. Talk to a lawyer to make sure that your ground rules are fair to both of you and your kids. If you expect to get back together, you're going to both need to compromise on the rules. Also, put your rules in writing. Doing so can make sure everyone is on the same page. Don't let it drag on. Together, set a time limit for your separation. It could be 3 months, half a year, or a full year. After you've set a limit on how long your separation will be, you can decide to let it go for longer. However, you don't want to keep dragging it out. If you keep asking for more time over and over, it may be that it's just time to end the marriage. If neither of you are willing to fight for the relationship anymore, it may not be worth it. If you're having enough trouble to want a separation, a third party mediator, such as a therapist can help. A therapist will help you to discuss your problems without getting so heated and hopefully work on finding common ground. A therapist will expect both of you to be emotionally present, working hard to put your relationship first. More than likely, some of your friends have had problems, too, and may have seen someone who's good for you and your spouse, too. Therefore, suggest to your partner that you consider going to a therapist. I was thinking we could talk to a couple's therapist once a week to see if they can help us sort out some of our problems. I really want to make this work, but I do think we could use some outside help. A lawyer is also important when you're separating. Once again, it's good to ask your friends who've been through a divorce if they have any recommendations for lawyers. A lawyer will go over the legal ramifications of your separation so you know what to expect if you do get a divorce. In addition, your lawyer can act as a mediator for you if you need one. Meet with the lawyer before deciding to engage him or her as your personal lawyer. Ask the lawyer if they're willing to act as a mediator if you need it and how often they've worked with people on a trial separation. Plus, you want to make sure you connect with your lawyer and trust him or her as a person. What you decide about who takes care of the kids now, for instance, can be used to decide who gets custody of your kids. If you have a trial separation without spending any time talking, you won't be able to work through your problems. If you really want to get back together, you're going to need to spend time talking through your problems, preferably with a third party. Consider addressing specific issues each time you talk. Talking on the phone cuts out some of the emotional charge in the situation. If you're really emotional, you may want to start with emails and the move up to phone calls. Keep it to yourself. Of course, telling your close friends and family that you've separated is appropriate. However, now isn't the time to post a huge announcement on social media. You are trying to decide if things will work out, and having the whole world or at least all your friends, including the person you never liked from high school weigh in isn't going to help. What happens going forward should be between you and your spouse, and possibly a good therapist. Sort out your feelings. You're obviously feeling like something is wrong with the relationship. However, you need to be able to put your finger on why, not just put it in general terms. That needs you need to spend some time thinking about what you think has gone wrong with the relationship. Sex is also an area that can cause problems. Has communication broken down in your marriage? Can you identify where it started breaking it down? Happy couples enjoy doing things for each other. If you find you are doing all the work in the relationship, both the emotional work and the physical work of living together, that could a large part of the problem--your spouse isn't holding up her or his end of the marriage. Be able to lay it out in concrete terms. That is, you have figured out why you're unhappy. To be fair to your spouse, you need to be able to lay out in exact terms what's not working for you. The best way to do that, once you figure out what's wrong, is to give concrete goals and ask for the same in return. Decide what you want from the separation. That is, are you almost certain you will get a divorce after the separation? That's something you need to be up front about. However, if you really want a separation to help you decide if you still want to be in the relationship, it's okay to bring that to the table, too. Have a time frame in mind. In many cases, couples who have a trial separation set a certain time frame. When that time frame is up, the couple either decides to get back together or to divorce. One therapist recommends 3 months as a good time frame, but you should have a time frame in mind when you talk to your spouse, along with a good justification for that amount of time. If they don't, you may choose to divorce at the end of that period. If you're both still unsure, you can agree to another length of time. This will involve a lot of mutual respect and ground rules, but it isn't impossible. No matter what the consequences, if you want a trial separation, you must pursue it, simply because you feel it is best for you. If they get angry, or hurt themselves or someone else, that is their responsibility, not yours, no matter what they say. You can always file a police report so they are at least aware of what's going on, if you think you or anyone else is in real physical danger. Don't let the fear of any consequences stop you from pursuing your own best interests. It will only work, however, if you are both interested in recommitting. Depending on the reason for your separation, you need to ensure that both of you are working toward the same goal. If you are hoping to reconcile, but your spouse has other ideas, you may be trying to hold onto something that is no longer there. If you want out, then you are already out. Everything else is just practical arrangements. You could take some time off, go to a sunny island for a week or two. But if you want to end the relationship or get a separation, just do that. The law follows life in this case. You don't have to get the law's permission before you can be separated. One of you will have to move out, though.