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Welcome, and thanks for leaving a comment! Please know that you are not alone – I was raised not to be feminine too. We have essentially shamed women for this. Men have also been shamed for their natural masculinity. This has left the sexes with less understanding of one another – the politics of erasing sex differences has made us all ignorant to some degree.

I’m glad you have found the articles useful. I write at least two posts a week, and the discussion threads are extremely lively, so I encourage you to subscribe and join us on current posts!

25Susan Walsh April 7, 2012 at 11:36 am
@Fred Mok

Welcome to you too! Please join us on more current posts if you like – the comment threads can run over a thousand and the discussion is pretty stimulating. I learn a great deal from the readers, and they learn from one another as well. It’s a great community.

Her need for scolding isn't about the subject of what she's being scolded for. It isn't about what she did "wrong", it's about the emotional state. If I try too focus on what she did or said, or what she is yelling at me about, she gets even more upset, because talking about the content is likely to mean that I *won't* assert authority and punish/scold her.

The absolute worst thing I can do is to talk through the problem, find common ground and calmly resolve the "issue" in a forgiving manner. Doing that means that she doesn't get what she wants. What she wants is for me to exercise power over her in order for her to feel my strength.

Sometimes the emotional state is hormonal. In particular, this tends to happen at her PMS time of the month. Sometimes it's that she's had a bad day. In no case does it have anything to do with me. When she's actually upset with me, she approaches me thoughtfully, calmly and gently and actually tries to address the issue at hand. She also takes the lead in those conversations.

I've learned through the years that when she is yelling at me, I can't get to the heart of the matter because "the matter" doesn't really exist. The closer I get to the center, the more I find smokescreens, misdirection and "straw men".

Whether it is scolding, spanking, or taking command of her, these are all different forms of the same thing.
As far as the spanking is concerned, again, I have my doubts about the wisdom of simply spanking harder.