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On our first formal date. We are both children of divorce. Most of the evening was spent discussing what a good marriage would look like.

98OffTheCuff February 17, 2013 at 7:20 pm
ADBG: “Not uninteresting at all…just that some of us that aren’t, you know, married, don’t have much to add to the conversation.”

Um, you’re not getting my point. The point is the unmarried folks should give us some rough ideas of what they are looking to hear, you know, some grist for ideas. Otherwise we just would be spouting off what we think is important, which probably isn’t of any use to you.

Make more sense now? See, SayWhaat gets it:

“when did you know that your soon-to-be-spouse was willing to go all-in? What gave you the sense that they would be 100% committed to making things work during the inevitable rough patches? Or was that a leap of faith when you made your vows?”

From day 1. There was no difference in our realtionship the day after we met, vs. the day we were married, vs. today. We never had the adult talk that J did, because we were young, undivorced kids, but it was clear through her actions.

I’ve related our DTR talk before, but now I can put it into useful context:

Mrs. C: “I don’t date people who are playing the field. Am I your girlfriend now?”
Me: (confused) “Yes. But I thought you already were.”

A few months later, she told me she was in love. This was a scary thing for me, because, one girl did this to me on the second date, and I never saw her again, because clearly she was a bit messed in the head, and didn’t understand love the way I did. This time I wasn’t scared off because I sensed it really was genuine, and she DID mean it the way I would mean it. But, this was my *first* realtionship, and I just wasn’t sure yet. Was it love? Or just the fog of early lust? How could I know? I needed more time.

So, I decided to be honest, and said “I’m not ready to say that word just yet, but when I do, I will mean it.” I thought she was going to be mad, but, apparently that was one of the big moments when she fell really hard for me.

To recoup, I was all in from day 1, because I was either naïve and dumb, or strong and principled. I’m not sure which. Maybe both.

And this brings me back to one of my beefs with how some people view LTR’s. I never, not even once, thought of breaking up for anything other than something manor like cheating, abuse, or addictions. I never had a “until I found better” or “until I graduate” escape clause in my head.

Thats why the relationship lasted, even though graduated a few years before her. We did a long-distance relationship, 8 hours away. Then I moved to Germany, and it was even longer distance. We still made it work and got back together, and this was back when long distance was *expensive*.